Hey Democrats...This Isn't About Sex....It's About Stealing National Archive Materials!
The truth finally comes out. Turns out it was Bill Clinton who pushed Sandy Berger to go steal those documents at the National Archives. Why am I not surprised. Seems like the perfect time to resurrect my special NewsGnome brigade who is so crafty in getting information and conversations no one else seems to be able to get. I am republishing my AtRandom column of a 2005 conversation between Clinton and Berger. It seems so apropos today. NG
BERGER TAKES ONE IN THE SHORTS FOR THE “BIG GUY.” April 4, 2005
Guilty, your honor. That was the plea from Bill Clinton’s National Security Adviser Samuel L. “Sandy” Berger. Of what was he guilty you ask, this former National Security Adviser? Well he just happened to wander into the National Archives on two separate occasions and walked out with TOP-SECRET documents highly critical of his former bosses handling of terrorist threats.
Prior to this plea, it was discovered that Mr. Berger’s side of a phone conversation while in the Archives was heard because he had inadvertently left his phone in conference-calling mode broadcasting his entire side of the conversation for all to hear, which was eventually transcribed for the trial.
My clandestine but unimpeachable sources were unable to confirm who was on the other end of the line but they did hear Mr. Berger’s comments and responses. It was obvious that Mr. Berger was taking one in the shorts for the big guy. Based on these transcripts plus testimony from a National Archives guard reconstructing her conversations with Mr. Berger, we have a pretty good idea what happened.
Berger: “Yea, I still have top security clearance.........”
Berger: “Sure, I can still get to the terrorism section...GET WHAT?! I know, I know, it looks as bad for me as it does for you. If I walk out of there with that stuff they could put me in jail!”
Berger: “OK, OK, you know where all my skeletons are buried, but this is serious stuff. I know we’ve gotta protect your wife for 2008. So what precisely do you want?”
Berger: “Got it, but it won’t be easy. Yea, I’ll call you when I’m in and give you a blow by blow.”
National Archives Front Desk.
Officer: “Good morning, Mr. Berger how may I help you?”
Berger: I’ve got to check on some material in the terrorism section in preparation for some congressional testimony.
Officer: “Certainly sir, may I check your identification card. Thank you. I presume you know the way.”
Berger: “Sure do. Thanks!”
Berger: “I’m, in. I’ve signed all the necessary releases. Did you know they make you promise that you won’t take anything out of the Archives without written permission. Yea, I’ve got a brief case but sometime they check those. “
Berger: “Do what! Your nuts! Stuff them in my shorts. Whose going to want to touch them after that. I know you’ve got lots of experience with underwear...but all of your experience is with women’s undies. All right, All right....I getting the papers right now. Some of them are on really thick paper and it’s hard to fold and they make sharp corners. I’m not sure how much of this stuff I can get in there without making it really obvious not to mention painful.”
Berger: “Yea, the officer was a woman officer. Sure, that’s you, women appreciate your “package.” Hey, don’t denigrate the help here or I’ll walk out empty handed. Yea, I’m doing it now....ouch, dang, oh, that smarts, ouuuu, that’s a very sensative area....Don’t push me, my shorts are full. I also got some stuff in the brief case just in case she check that, I can say I just forgot it was there....Right I’m outta here.”
Berger: “I hope you appreciate the risk I’m taking...well you better!”
Berger: “Hi Officer. Here’s my brief case for you to check. “
Officer: “That’s OK sir, I’m sure, as a former National Security Advisor you know it’s illegal to remove anything from the National Archives without written permission. Did you find what you needed to look at sir.”
Berger: “Sure did, everything went fine. Thanks for the help.”
Officer: “You’re welcome sir. Are you sure you’re all right.......”
Berger: “Yes, I’m fine, why do you ask?”
Officer: “Well, I just noticed you were walking a little funny.”
Berger: “No I’m just fine, an old war wound that flares up when the weather turns. Thanks again for your help.”
Back on the phone,
Berger: Yea, that was close....I got it, and you owe me big time for this one buddy. I hope they don’t’ find out or you’ll be visiting me in jail, pal.
Berger: OK, yea, I know, you wouldn’t visit you best friend in jail and you don’t have the right to pardon me. Well I gotta go, this stuff in my pants is starting to chaff...chow.
Talk about taking it in the shorts...literally. Of course, the little slip of the cell phone was certainly costly. Mr. Berger lost his national security status for three years and pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor. My sources tell me, considering the stuff he was discovered to have taken out, and the fact that some of the material he was alleged to have taken and failed to return, he got off easy, and America will never know what was on those missing papers.